Heroin Jokes

Why would anyone joke about heroin?

The purpose of telling heroin jokes is to lift the cloak of invisibility that surrounds heroin addiction. By joking about heroin it takes the awfulness of heroin and turns it into something so silly that it exposes the truth.


  1. A priest, a rabbi and a heroin addict walk into a bar. The priest orders a pitcher of Guinness stout, the rabbi orders a glass of Manischewitz wine, and the heroin addict orders a shot of distilled water.


  1. A heroin addict is just like a doctor – but without the shiny car, plenty of money, beautiful wife and a job.


  1. Q: Did you hear about the heroin addict who was addicted to clocks?

A: He thought he could “STOP” at any time.


  1. If it weren’t for heroin I’d be addicted to Facebook.


  1. Q: How many tweakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, because tweakers can see things in the dark.

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  1. Q: Why can’t heroin addicts play soccer?

A: Because they can’t kick.


  1. Q: Why is a heroin addict’s sex life like a rocket ship?

A: Because heroin addicts don’t have rocket ships.


  1. I am not addicted to heroin. I am addicted to falling asleep illegally.


  1. Q: What do heroin addicts like to do?

A: Nod a lot.


  1. Q: A heroin addict, a crack head and a drug dealer are all sitting in a car.  Who’s driving?

A: The police


  1. Q: A heroin addict in a three piece suit is sitting in a room. What is the first thing he hears?

A: Will the defendant please rise.


  1. You cannot shoot your heroin and have it too.


  1. Q: What do you call a heroin addict without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless


  1. You know there is a problem when you have to take a painkiller to make love.


  1. A famous brain surgeon opened a used brain store in New York City to sell used brains for transplant. On display were several brains. One of the more expensive brains was David Bowie’s brain, which was on sale for $500,000, and next to the rock star’s brain was Robin William’s brain, the famous actor/comedian. His brain was on sale for $750,000. But behind the counter and protected behind bulletproof glass and a high tech alarm system was kept Timothy Finckle’s brain, a hope-to-die heroin addict who froze to death on a cold winter’s night in Denver. His brain was on sale for a staggering $10,000,000. A customer inquisitively asked the neurosurgeon: “Why are you asking so much money for a heroin addict’s brain?” The brain surgeon quickly replied, “Because dear sir, this brain is a very rare brain, it’s – NEVER been used.”


  1. I always found that heroin addicts’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have heroin.


  1. When you’re detoxing, you pray after you eat.


  1. A man dies and finds himself in hell. He is wallowing in despair when the devil approaches and says, “Cheer up buddy. It’s not that bad down here. We have a lot of fun in hell. Say, are you a drinking man?” “Sure,” replies the man. “I love to drink.” “Well, you’re going to love Mondays,” says the devil. “On Mondays all we do is drink. Beer, whisky, wine, as much as you want. Say, are you a smoker?” asks the devil. “You better believe it!” replies the man. “Then you’re going to love Tuesdays,” replies the devil. “We get the finest cigars from Cuba and we smoke our lungs out. I bet you like to gamble too, don’t you?” asks the devil. “Why, yes,” replies the man. “On Wednesdays you can gamble all you want, craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever you like. Hey, have you ever done heroin?” asks the devil. “I did it once in college but I never did it again.” replies the man. “Well, Thursdays is heroin day, and you can do all the heroin you want and there is no risk of overdosing because you cannot die in hell.” replies the devil. “Wow,” says the man. “I never knew hell could be this much fun.” The devil quips sarcastically, “It’s fantastic down here isn’t it? Hey, have you ever had sex with a man?” “No way, never!” replies the man. “The devil giggles and says, “Well, friend – Fridays are going suck.”


  1. Q: What’s the last thing on Kathy Griffin’s bucket list?



  1. Q: Why did the heroin addict cross the road?

A: To get to Walmart


  1. I don’t do heroin because I take ADD medication.
    I got Attention Deficit Disorder.
    And the last thing I want to do is get addicted to paying attention.
    I got a wife and kids.


  1. My name is John and I am a recovered heroin addict.
    I’ve been sober for……..about 6 hours.
    So I’m going to have to make this quick.


  1. Q: What does a heroin addict have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?

A: They both scratch their nose.


Junkie jokes

Many people think that telling jokes about heroin belie the dangers of heroin. But the truth is the exact opposite. It takes the awfulness of heroin and twists it into something so silly that it exposes it.

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